Facepalm Proposal

*A funny little proposal story, which was submitted for a Valentines day contest*

“I had been stalking her. Yes, literally “STALKING”. I believed just like in the Tamil movies stalking would lead to us falling in love and her finally saying ‘YES’ to my proposal. I had all the symptoms of being in love. I had started sleeping late, waking up early, checking teeth after brushing, and everything seemed positive and High Definition to me. Gradually we became friends, and as the usual stories go, best friends and later on according to what the kids these days call it, we were ‘chuddy buddies’. After almost a year of carrying her books, buying her lunch and doing her homework (I am not gay), I knew it was time. I found her standing alone in the corridor and when I went near her to open my heart to her; she opened hers instead, saying she was in love with some guy I cannot describe without abuse. And yes, my reaction – Facepalm.”

Drugs, Disgust, Thirst

*A short write up i did for an Anti-Drug Campaign*

The intention of two boys entering the same toilet in a sleeper class compartment was definitely not to take a leak. The train had been stopped for over an hour in the middle of a village area. Looking out the train i see a village boy with hardly any clothes on walking towards the public tap. Just then I hear a thud and the two boys were coming out of the toilet, one of them wiping away the traces of cocaine they had just snorted up their noses. Over the high of the cocaine, one of them opened a bottle of cold Aquafina and started pouring it down his own head and throwing away half of the bottle out the train. Out of disgust I slowly get out of the train, and there I see that the village boy is in a sitting position under the public water tap waiting and hoping for water to at least drip down the tap.

Qualifying Bus Drivers

I am going to tell you people a story. A story that happened in an engineering college
in kerala.
*all events and characters used in this story are totally fictitious. Any
resemblance to persons living, dead or better dead than alive is purely
unintentional. For entertainment use only*
Lets call this engineering college "FISh thAT"College of Engineering and Technology.
Unlike all the other engineering colleges in kerala FISh thAT makes sure its bus
drivers are well qualified rather than just a drivers licence and good at abusing
people who overtake them.

A certain department in this college was very different from the rest of the
departments in the college.
The HOD was bald because he used that hair to make a goatee(why should students
have all the fun?).
The teachers are 3 times attepted and failed "are you smarter than a fifth grader?"
contestants.(indian version-Kya Aap Paanchvi Pass Se Tez Hain?) One such teacher
was a pass out of the same college...thinking why would someone do such a thing?
please dont. There are some questions that even google cannot answer. She was
assigned the group advisor(class teacher) of a certain class. OK...lets leave her alone
for now.

There was another group advisor for the same class who has majority of her classes
during the first hour of the day. On one such day, a group of students came to the
class late(very natural). As usual their bus was late and the teacher had finished with
the attendance. At the end of the hour on this particular day she refused to give
them attendance.
This came to the notice of the HOD(same as described before) and the new rule was
passed on to the class through the teacher(the pass-out).

RULE:In case you be late to class during the first hour and you miss your attendance
because your bus was running late, you shall get the attendance but you will have to
get a letter signed by the driver.

Thats about it guys.
Who knows how many of these drivers even know how to place signs. Then what are
the students supposed to carry with them? Stamp Pads?

Blank Paper

Five exams down, and this was my last one. The only one I wish can walk out the exam hall early without having to submit a blank paper with just my name and roll number in it. The last five exams were more of a routine, which was to write down my name, sign the attendance sheet, get out and smoke. But today I had in head the answers to two important short answer questions and in my underwear the answer to one important essay type question. Tough chance of leaving the exam hall submitting an empty paper today. I'm full of energy and have no idea where it was all coming from. Whenever someone is excited about something that is going to happen, all of a sudden everything around the person is so beautiful, bright and in High Definition(1080p).

For a normal person, such a situation with a bit of paper hid somewhere in his body would have been a really tensing one, but for me it wasn't due to years of experience, though it was starting to itch a bit underneath. And I know I'd have to take the paper out only if a question on 'Power Supply' was to come.

The corridor was filled with repeated chanting of equations and other “greek to me” stuff and in certain areas even group chanting with eyes closed. Normally i never get to see all this because at this point I would have been at the canteen having my regular cup of coffee, but today i was the first one to be seated in the exam hall.

15 minutes later,

Oh God.! This is Shit.
What a screwed up question paper and i had no idea what I was doing still sitting there. I somehow wanted to write something in the paper before I left. But in no way am I able to understand a word written in the question paper and to hell the word 'Power Supply' wasn't there. I put my head down trying to remember one of the short answers. After a while the motherboard parts slowly starting coming into my head. Pulled myself up and started writing really fast. Half a page of all the motherboard components and I was out.

Phew.!

I walked out of the college building and towards the bike parking. Just as i started my bike, i saw her running towards me. She was the one i dream of every night, and every night she would be dressed in red, like a porcelain doll doing nothing but just standing there looking at me. I turned the ignition off as she was getting nearer. Took a quick look at the rear view mirror for a hair check.

“Hey, could you give me a lift to the nearing bus stop?” she asked with a pretty smile.

It was a simple question but i was too immersed in her smile that i forgot the answer.

“Hello? You okay?” she asked.

“Yea. Hop in”

Wow. I didn't understand why she needed a lift to the bus stop which was hardly 500 meters from the college. Maybe she was in a hurry.
When my bike left the college gates she put her hands around my waist. I didn't know where this was going but one thing was for sure, I was in no hurry.
When we reached the bus stop, she got down and put her hand above mine which rested on the bike handle and looked straight into my eyes. I know it was time for me to make the next move, and just when I opened my mouth to tell her that I loved her she stopped me and she shouted out
“TIE YOUR PAPERS AND WRITE”.

The bus stand had disappeared and the blank white answer sheet appeared in front of me.

Oh Damn, Its the routine again.!

A 'Broken Wing' Thing

(This is a story that i wrote for a competition under the topic 'Broken Wings'. Aaaand it won me the first place.)

Hydrophobia is the fear of water, and that is something I’ve had since birth. My father says it’s because 2-year old me fell into a bucket of water which happened to be taller than I was. And hence the reason why I hate Titanic and why I close my eyes every time I’m in a train or bus crossing a bridge. But my manufacturing defect has never made me feel left out just because I couldn’t go swimming and fishing in the pond with the other kids. And anyways none of that was going to matter anymore because I am now sitting on the deck of the nearby bridge looking down at the tons of water silently flowing beneath it. Yes, another half an hour and I am going to commit suicide. According to Indian Express Nov. 28th 2011, fifteen people suicide every hour, and this hour I am going to be one among a fifteen. The water under this bridge has been stagnant for years so I can leave alone the fear of flowing in the process of dying. But I can’t jump just yet, there has to be a flashback session of why I’m doing this. At least that’s how the movies show them.

I am an Electronics Engineering student from Kerala who has 7 standing backlogs and no job in hand, and for a student like me placements was the worst time of life. When friends are out getting two and three job offers you are home taking the compulsory “day off” watching The Sound of Music and The Prestige for God knows how many times just because there's nothing else to watch, and logging into Facebook hoping a 5 minutes break from it could get you at least 10 new notifications. But finally the day came when “the mail” came, in which a sort of reputed company was recruiting and had no conditions regarding percentile or backlogs. But, reading on I found that they needed just 6 people from the whole college and had a whole process of aptitude tests and interviews.


I was thinking, 'seriously, what a life? You get to be happy for not more than 5 seconds?'


So, I didn't even care to prepare a resume and went to college the next day hoping to get some attendance sitting in class, but unfortunately they had canceled classes for the day because of majority students appearing the selection process, and by 9 30 it was even made compulsory to all students to appear. I almost peed in my pants hearing that. An IT company, 6 offers, 250 students and me, an Electronics Engineering student. Since it was the college rule that you cant leave the campus once you enter in the morning I was left with no choice but to write the aptitude.


By afternoon the results were out and without much exaggeration 'my name was there in the list' of 30 students who were filtered out of the 250 and I was like 'baby baby baby oooooHH'. I couldn't stand on my feet, because I was excited and I had to create a resume real fast, but mainly because I was excited.

The fast thoughts that went through my mind were, 'This was it', 'I had to get through somehow', 'this was my only chance' and 'baby baby baby ooooHH'.

After a few hours came the interview and by then the company had turned into my dream company and whatever work they give me was my dream job. I entered the interviewing room with a smile. Gave them my resume which had not a single detail about my backlogs. After a two minute silence they asked me their first question, “How many backlogs?”


This was the very same question that got me flunked for three successive lab vivas and I knew the answer to that question would decide whether I was going to get this job or not. I stormed out of the room and ran.


And here I am on the deck of this bridge. The flashback was now over and I was ready to jump. I couldn't open my eyes, because the sight of the large body of water beneath would make me change my mind. Have heard theories about the picture of the person who you love the most to come to you just before you die. Haven't seen that yet, maybe I will just before I hit the water. And I jumped.

SPLASH

Felt myself going deep down into the water body and could also feel my feet hitting some sort of a ground like place, but it couldn't be, I had to keep drowning. I tried to kick myself up hoping it'd drown me more, but instead my whole upper body was above the water level and I was standing on a shallow ground.

There were 2 things that I learned that night,
 

1, Suicide attempt is a crime and
 

2, I wasn't Hydrophobic

Changed Status

About 20 years ago difficulty in life for a teenage boy was defined by the kind of course taken, the number of exams, how to talk to a beautiful girl and the methods on how to catch a smoke or drink without your parents catching you.

My name is Sharath Kumar, a middle class teenage boy. Everything about me was so called 'middle-class'. My dad works at a bank and earns enough to buy me a gift worth Rs.5000 every year on my birthday. My mother is a housewife who like every other mother cooks the tastiest food. I have 98 friends on facebook, 32 of which are my family members.

Final year at engineering college was a really boring time for me, loads of exams and countless number of questions about what i'm going to do with my future. To make things worse the people who are worried about my future more than my dad who paid for my education were my neighbours, the milk-man, the paper guy and even the temple guy who comes every month for donation. Engineering has taught me everything that a certain forward message says, opening a beer bottle with my teeth, experience getting drunk to the maximum level of intoxication and still trying to stand straight and pee, getting depressed over a single girl a zillion times, and also created a habit of smoking a cigarette daily. In short I was enjoying my perfectly going imperfect college life.
The only thing that kept bothering me was not having a girl-friend. I have been single since the day I was born. Its been 21 years and not even a one week relationship. All my friends kept telling me that when the day comes, i will find the perfect person.

August 6th 2011 was the day that the worst that could happen to me happened. Me and a couple of friends were having the end of the month booze party. Just before the party had started I had taken a friends laptop and gone through my facebook notifications, nothing great, just the usual farmville notifications. The booze party went on till 3 in the morning but unlucky me as usual passed out after two shots and three rounds of puking before 10.

It was around 9 the next morning when i got up hearing my phone ringing. With the extremely bad hangover I picked the call. It was MOM.

Mom: “What is wrong with you? This has become a disgrace to our family.”
Me: “Mom, what are you talking about? Ive told you about the monthly booze parties.”

But she barely heared what i said and she went on...

“...never thought you would go for such a thing. When you said you wanted to stay with your friends i never thought it was to have privacy to do such things. We have loved you in every way and is this what you're giving us back?”.

Oh God. How do I stop this?

“...if you had any kind of feelings for Rani, you should have told us first place rather than telling the whole world about it.”

“STOP IT”, I shouted.

Shit. Rani was the tamilian servant girl who comes home everyday to wash clothes and clean the house. And what the hell was Mom talking about?

“What are you talking about?”, i asked “Why are you talking about Rani now?”

“Dont try to pretend in front of me now. Indrajith uncle called early morning....”
CUT went the call.

I stepped out of the bachelor home, took a deep breath of fresh air and put a cigarette in my mouth before i could take in my next breath. I was thinking what exactly could have gone wrong? Why would Mom say anything about Rani at this time of the day? Ah chuck it, she's probably pissed off with something. But still...feelings for Rani? Oh no...somethings not right.

The cigarette wasnt working, so i took the laptop and logged into facebook. Actually i didnt have to log in, it logged in automatically. 2 notifications.
“John Mathew and 20 other friends like your status.”
“Anil Uk and 35 other friends commented on your status.”

Status? When did i even put up a status? Clicked on one of those notifications and there it was,

“I LOVE RANI...CANT WAIT TO MARRY HER...APPA AMMA OK.! :D.”

Closed the laptop in a second and was in a hurry to put on some pants. I looked around at all the bastards drunk and sleeping peacefully. I know one of them did this.
I was in a hurry to get home and convince Mom that it was a huge mistake. But by the time i got home, my whole family was there, including my cousins and their children who were already running around the place. A whole group discussion went on the whole day, and finally my history was sealed. My first love – Rani the servant girl. However I try, its not going to change.
A week later I even started getting “hope you have thought well about it” wall posts.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Moral:-
Make sure you log off your facebook account after use.
A status can change your life.

babies crY

yay kids. Be happy because you can read this one, without being afraid your parents might catch you reading something not worth your age.

Anyways, lets chuck that and get to the point.

Babies.

Soft, innocent, best creature on earth, blah blah blah...all true.

BUT, they CRY. There is no baby born who doesn't cry.

They cry as soon as they're born, they cry when they are hungry, they cry when they are hungry and they cry when they are hungry. AWww...so sad.

Now, lets take a baby which is not yours. You are visiting the family and you take the baby in your arms. oooh, how sweet righ? You start walking around with the baby. They might do stuff like pulling your hair, try to jump out and other normal stuff babies do.

Now, what if the baby starts crying?

If you've gone through this before you know what happens next. The mother comes running takes the baby away from you, smiles at you and tells you "She's Hungry".

The mother brings food and starts feeding, and what if the baby stilll cries? what?? is it super hungry?

Ok. you feed a whole bowl of whatever and still the baby cries. I dont think its hungry anymore and still it is being fed till its stomach is about to burst and its small brain cannot process anymore of the food entering and shuts its self down. in short the baby goes to sleep.

Later the baby wakes up and starts crying again. and the feeding repeats. Finally the baby stops crying because it wants to stay awake(so that it can work itself to awesomeness.)

Now, lets leave the baby alone. Consider yourself a teenage guy or any age guy elder than a teenage guy. Do you ever cry in public?

NO. You dont. Because if you do, they would either think you're a loser or they'd think you're gay.

Now, consider yourself a teenage girl(I dont think anything elder than that needs to be involved.) Do you ever cry in public for a reason? Of course you do. So that people would think, 'awww...what a sad girl, maybe she needs some help.' OR 'oh no. dont cry, you look so pretty.(i know that was lame.)' OR 'wow. what a woman, she's got the guts to do that'.

Well, my basic point is however, it favors ya'll.

Now, back to the babies.

They cry because

boys, they need to finish it off and get ready for an awesome cry free future.

girls, they're just practising.